“Now I look back and wonder if I was holding a murder when I was holding him as a baby.” She believes in God, her religion, but she is struggling. I see it more than she does as she searches for a church home and keeps disagreeing with their doctrine. Her life in church tells her God knew her son’s life and death before he was born. God intended for her son or her?

I wonder as well.
After Cooper died I stopped believing in God’s plan. If God’s plan was for my daughter to die, he and his plan suck. But now I can look back and see more clearly. It has been seven years. Cadyn, you are meant to be in this world. I’m on this path to help people that I don’t know I would have ever been on without Cooper. My interest in grief, death and dying certainly comes from that experience. I am a better person, a better momma.

But, that is because I made a choice. To make meaning of my life because of her. When I started on this path I can look back a it feels like things happened as they “were suppose to.”
Everyday I see people making a different choice. Sitting in there apartments or homes with cigarette stains on the fingers wasting away in front of the tv. Is that their plan? I find it hard to believe.

I just don’t know.



“All that is holding the family together is denial.” Accepting ourselves and our family just as they are is difficult.