Moving Forward

University of Arkansas at Little Rock School of Social Work, it will be for graduate school. I applied last minute when I realized the deadline had not passed. I was accepted to ASU as well but that drive is long. Plus, UALR has death and dying classes, it is my school. I cannot wait to get started learning the actual stuff I need to know to understand and help others, and myself a little, right? That is the whole point.

It was difficult, moving away from my parents and your grandparents, but I would not have gotten this opportunity without the move. It’s still hard. I know mamaw and papaw miss you so much and I miss you getting the interaction with them but this is our life and we will focus on the positives. It has changed a lot this year.

In April we took you to Disney World, wow–I’ll do a separate post on that–but it was the best time, we laughed so much. We bought a new house. We are moving in 16 June. The house on the hill. This is where you will grow up and graduate high school. After that, who knows where we will end up but we are settled for a good twelve years, and that sounds good

Keep moving forward.

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Psychology of Gym Class

Tonight, while I’m getting ready for bed, washing my face, I’m thinking about writing a post. It would be something like this, “When I get in graduate school I’m going to write a paper about the psychology of having to be in the back row of gym class. Today a gentleman was behind the instructor rather than positioning himself in front of someone else. I wonder at the thought process of this. Are you afraid to be too close to the instructor? Afraid someone behind you might think your lunges suck…cause really, 99% of the class’s lunges suck.” This is going through my mind then I wonder if it’s only in Arkansas. The classes I took in Delaware were not the same. Maybe it was the sheer number of people but the prime spots were up front. I didn’t take any classes in Tennessee but I did take yoga when we lived in Mississippi. People had no fear of being in the front row there. I remember the instructor, after she found out about Cooper’s death she told me, “Don’t give up. Don’t you ever give up.” Right there at the counter where you pick up a towel and leave your keys. And the nice director, I don’t remember his name, he was passing in the hall one day, “You had your baby right, did you have a boy or girl?” I froze, “Yes, but she died.” That look on his face. I can see it, as I’m standing at my bathroom sink almost 8 years later. I remember turning away quickly because I’m breaking, and I don’t want to do it in front of him. Because I don’t just cry, I melt into a pool of tears and snot and I’m on my knees and I can’t breathe.

And there I am sobbing into my towel in the bathroom in Searcy, March 9, 2015. It shocks me sometimes, how these innocent thoughts lead me in a full circle back to her. The pain. It is always there, the memories are inseparable from the pain. I’ve gotten better at it in time. I can talk about the facts of her death with calm and poise. “My first daughter was stillborn. At 38 weeks. A cord accident from low amniotic fluid. Yes, it was a difficult time.”

But the look on that man’s face. He never said anything else about my baby but one day we passed in the hall again and he stopped me, “I found this white feather, it’s for you.” He laid it gently in my hand. And I wonder, what happen to that feather.

Things do Change

We have moved. To Searcy on December 30. Harry is publisher at The Daily Citizen, which is why we moved.

I quit my mental health case manager job. I’m okay with that. I see it as a perfect opportunity to get my graduate degree. I applied to University of Central Arkansas but could not get my GRE taken in time and got the message Thursday I did not get my application completed in time for the deadline. Looks like back to ASU it is. Now I have switched gears and am trying to get a job at the Searcy or Beebe campus so I can get tuition at 50%.

I was worried about moving you in the middle of the school year. You cried on your first day, January 5. It was the first day back from Christmas holiday. Your new teacher assigned you a buddy to show you around. By the time I picked you up that afternoon you were fine with the new school. We have been back to Paragould a couple of times and you met up with friends from your old class at the movies and you were happy to see them. Now it is February and you don’t talk about them much at all. Kids adapt amazingly well.

Mamaw and Papaw miss having you around and picking you up from school. We miss having them so close too. REALLY miss them picking you up from school when we have something going on and need an extra hand or a babysitter. But we have adapted to that as well. We have been to their house a few times but that will stop when you start soccer in March. They said they will come watch you play.

Lots of change going on. Change is good. I’ll write more about our changes next time….

Conversations

“Now I look back and wonder if I was holding a murder when I was holding him as a baby.” She believes in God, her religion, but she is struggling. I see it more than she does as she searches for a church home and keeps disagreeing with their doctrine. Her life in church tells her God knew her son’s life and death before he was born. God intended for her son or her?

I wonder as well.
After Cooper died I stopped believing in God’s plan. If God’s plan was for my daughter to die, he and his plan suck. But now I can look back and see more clearly. It has been seven years. Cadyn, you are meant to be in this world. I’m on this path to help people that I don’t know I would have ever been on without Cooper. My interest in grief, death and dying certainly comes from that experience. I am a better person, a better momma.

But, that is because I made a choice. To make meaning of my life because of her. When I started on this path I can look back a it feels like things happened as they “were suppose to.”
Everyday I see people making a different choice. Sitting in there apartments or homes with cigarette stains on the fingers wasting away in front of the tv. Is that their plan? I find it hard to believe.

I just don’t know.

Two weeks at work…

In the two weeks I have worked as a MHPP I have learned a couple of things. First, don’t smoke. Nothing good comes from it. I see a woman in her 50’s, and believe it or not, that is not ver old, that cannot walk out of her apartment. Secondly, things are just things. Too many things will take over your life. Third, animals are good in small doses. Too many animals take over your life too. Only have the pets you can afford and have room for, otherwise, let them find a good home with someone else. You have good intentions by helping animals but you can lose your home and any quality of life by have too many animals.

This I have seen.

Mommy has a job!!

Yeah, now we can go to Disney World you said. Yes, soon, hopefully next spring around your birthday.

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My office.
I’m a mental health paraprofessional. I like this. Great opportunity and I’m learning lots. Looking forward to continuing toward grief therapy though. This is not my ending point, even as a therapist. What I see here is not my goal. I want to focus on those who have lost a loved one, and teach death and dying. Gotta keep moving toward my goal.